God Changed My Life

I didn’t plan to start writing this on my brother Mark’s birthday, but now I see God’s sovereignty in it being so, for he was the one God used more than anyone else to lead me to Jesus. 

I was raised in a churchgoing family, the youngest child with two older brothers.  My dad was a high school social studies teacher, highly dedicated to his work.  My mom worked in special education, then as a secretary.  I can remember being lonely sometimes as the youngest, but I did follow my brother Mark around a lot, even though he was five years older.  I remember being tickled and teased a lot by my older brothers, both of whom I enjoyed spending time with. 

I had a lot of fears and worries as I was growing up and often had nightmares.  I was very afraid of death.  I also was afraid of all kinds of bad things happening to me, such as airplane or car accidents, robbers coming into our home, tornadoes, serious health problems and just about anything else that could happen.  I also felt shame about wrong things I had done, so I tried to avoid thinking about those things.  I would try to distract myself, so I wouldn't have to think about things that made me uneasy.  

When my brother Mark was fifteen and I was ten, he committed his life to Jesus.  He began spending a lot of time reading the Bible and praying, attending Bible studies, and talking with people about the Lord.  He started talking to me about how he had begun a relationship with God and invited me to have one too.  He explained to me that God created us in love, but that our sin has separated us from God.  But God loves us so much that He sent His Son Jesus to die for our sins, and that whoever trusts in Jesus as their Savior and Lord (leader) receives forgiveness of sins and the promise of eternal life and is adopted into His family as a beloved son or daughter!

My heart was divided.  I wanted to receive God’s forgiveness and eternal life.  I didn’t want to be afraid of death anymore.  But I spent my days with peers who didn’t care about these things and who would probably mock me, or at least not include me, if I cared more about doing what the Lord wanted than what they wanted.  I wanted to fit in with my peers, and that mattered more to me than having a relationship with God.  So I prayed when I felt desperate, but I ignored and disobeyed God much of the time.  (I see now that “friends” who are only friends if you do what they want you to do are not really friends at all.)  I let my selfishness get in the way, thinking I'd be happier living life my own way rather than God's way.    

During my middle school and high school years, my brother Mark showed me love in so many ways.  He listened to me well, cared for me when I was hurting, answered my many questions, and spent lots of time with me, even coming home just about every weekend when he was in college.  He also said I could call him up until midnight to get his help with my high school math, which I often did, and he always seemed glad to help.  He showed me Jesus in so many ways.   

When I got to college, I was glad to have the freedom to do whatever I wanted.  During my freshman year I pursued what I thought would make me happy.  I had fun with friends, a cute boyfriend, and got good grades.  But that summer I realized that although I had what I thought would make me happy, I felt empty inside.  I began to wonder if God could fill my emptiness.  I also felt guilty over my sin and longed to be forgiven.  It was also a time when I contemplated who I wanted to become and what I wanted to do with my life, and I realized that my brother Mark and his Christian friends were the people I admired most, because they lived what they believed.  But I didn’t want to surrender my life to Jesus unless I was sure the Bible was true.  I read books with loads of evidence for Christianity and the resurrection, like More Than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell and other books, and I became persuaded of the truth of the Scriptures. 

So that summer, at the age of 19, I gave my life to Jesus.  I had previously prayed numerous times to receive Jesus as my Savior and asked him to forgive my sin, but this time I was serious about following Him.  After that I began seeing God answer prayer after prayer after prayer.  I believe He was confirming to me that He is real while showing me His loving care.  I was filled with awe that God loved me so much that He would receive me as His daughter even after I had ignored Him for so long. God gave me peace I hadn’t known before.  I no longer feared death, because now I knew that when I die, I will be in Paradise with Him (not because of who I am or anything I’ve done, but because I'm trusting in Jesus as Savior from my sins).  I no longer worried about bad things happening to me.  God gave me peace, because I know He is my Heavenly Father and He will only allow to happen to me whatever is best for me and His kingdom.  Even if hard things happen to me, He will be with me.  He gave me deep joy I had never experienced before as I began to feel the joy of being in a relationship with the greatest and most loving being in the universe.  He also enabled me to forgive and love a person who had deeply hurt me.  He also took away my shame.  While before I tried to avoid thinking about things that were just too uncomfortable to think about, now I felt free to think about anything!

When I got back to college, I sought out other students who were followers of Jesus.  In God’s kindness, there was another sophomore girl named Juli in my dorm, who was a vibrant, loving, kind, warm, genuine, encouraging believer, who welcomed me into her life and heart and nurtured and encouraged me as a new believer with lots of rough edges.  She modeled having a close relationship with the Lord and helped me grow in my new relationship with God.  I am forever grateful for God putting her in my life.  She also introduced me to others who loved the Lord, and in my new Christian community I experienced genuine friends who loved me as I was and encouraged me in my new faith.  That year was one of deep and abundant joy.

There have many been ups and downs since then.  I’m still a sinner who needs Jesus.  I need him every day, every moment if I’m honest.  I’m still learning how to walk with God day by day.  But God has proven Himself faithful and trustworthy.     I now see Him as my greatest treasure, my Heavenly Father, my Shepherd, my best friend, my provider and protector, my comforter, my Savior, my Prince of Peace, and the lover of my soul.  I have so many more stories to share of what God has done in my life and how He has answered prayers.  I hope to write down many more of them.